People will tell me "you should be a writer" but when I sit down, all that comes out are these puns. 

What happens when you drive from Los Angeles to San Diego? You see Irvine. 

My ex-wife gave me some coffee before the divorce came through, they were grounds for annulment. 

My new podcast is all clock sounds and banter about parasite. tick tock - tick talk.

My recipes are rarely specific on the amount of shortening, I like to leave a margarine for error.

Just read my friend's memoirs about being a flight attendant "La Vie en Rows".

I'm starting a drive thru protein powder company, Whey To-Go.

I'm starting a Victorian interior design firm called the Importance of Being Furnished.